Baby Shower hell

I went to a baby shower yesterday. as a rule, I don't attend baby showers. I beg off, politely decline, or just plain lie-- whatever is required to get out of them. This one, however, was for a very good friend who tried to get pregnant for two years and was declared infertile by her doctors before she did finally get knocked up. I'm extremely thrilled for her, so I sucked it up and went. It was a typical baby shower. they are all the same, I have learned, which is why I generally avoid them.
Upon entering the home of pregnant friend's mom, I was handed a teensy folded baby diaper and a straight pin and given instructions to pin the diaper to my shirt. People, I am all about accessories, but seriously now. and the thing is, I have yet to attend a baby shower where I was not so decorated. I tried to casually drop the thing in my attempt to pin it on, but some helpful soul spotted my difficulty and rushed right over to my aid. Gee, thanks.
Then we moved on to the games, which I won't bore you with-- partly because I wasn't paying real close attention myself, but I did manage to win a game that involved unrolling a length of toilet paper that most closely matched the circumference of the prego belly of the mother to be. The (A-hem) prize was a lovely little ceramic pig figurine. and gosh darn it all, I forgot and left that gift under my chair when I left. Shoot.
then came the gift opening portion of the afternoon's entertainment, which involved lots of oohing and ahing over things like frilly outfits and breast pumps and the like. and of course, that one woman who knows absolutely everything about all things baby was there. She comes in different disguises, but if you've ever been to a baby shower, you know the woman I'm talking about. She's the one who says things like, "Now those nipples are okay, but you know you really ought to get this other kind because they more closely simulate an actual nipple." and, "Now those pacifiers are the only ones to have. You'll be glad you got those. They are the best for oral motor development. Of course, you know not to let the baby have a pacifier until she's three months old, don't you?"
The United States government should arrange to have this woman sent to developing nations because she is apparently single handedly responsible for our country's low infant mortality rate. without her, no child could possibly reach adulthood. Absolutely not. Unthinkable.
But I went to the baby shower, did my duty as a good friend, and am allowing myself to feel all smug and saintly about it. But seriously, never again.