derailment

I have not been able to hold onto a single thought since ... well, not since September. Unfortunately, life has not stopped or even slowed down to gawk at the derailment that is my mind. No, everything just keeps on going, and I'm left at the end of every day wondering where the hell the time went and making promises not to squander the next 24 hours, which I invariably do. I'm trying to go easy on myself, I am pregnant after all. It just feels like the pregnancy is something my body should do while my mind is busy with other things. Not so, apparently. So what follows in this entry is an accounting of the things that have been contributing to my mental paralysis. A laundry list of excuses, if you will.
Because apparently Michael and I are hell-bent on taking stupidity to new levels, we have embarked on a home upgrade project. It isn't a lot, but it's stuff that has high life-disruption potential. Our house has needed new paint and carpet ever since we bought it. What's in there now, both the paint and carpet, is just boring grey that the builders no doubt chose for its complete neutrality and cheapness. You might wonder why I care what color the walls and floors are, and I have no real good answer for that except that I want to make the house nice before the baby comes because after he's here, this kind of thing will be virtually impossible to do. So the painting, that is done. Yay! Cheer with me. Yay! You have no idea how difficult it was for a blind woman and a black lab to navigate through a house with wet paint on the walls. I am not graceful, people. Add moved furniture and paint cans in the floor, and we're talking disaster soup here. Fortunately though, or maybe thanks to some divine intervention from the home décor gods, there were no mishaps and the kitchen, dining room, utility room, living room, living room ceiling, hallway, and guest bathroom all look wonderful. Or so I'm told. I did tell people to lie to me if it looked terrible, so who knows, but it's done and I'm happy.
The next thing on the insane agenda is carpet for the living room, hallway, and nursery. This is both an expense and a hassle, and the potential to get taken is astronomical. I know nothing about carpet except what the people at the store tell me. Michael has done some internet research on the subject, which has basically informed us that we can't afford the top-of-the-line carpet. But we have to choose a carpet store, the carpet itself, and have it installed fairly quickly. The clock is ticking on D-Day (delivery day). We have put off buying baby furniture until we get new carpet in the nursery. Possibly, this was an ill-conceivd plan, but we're in too deep to turn back now.
Then there's the baby furniture, which again, Michael is researching online. The difficulty we're having here is that most stores only have one display model assembled, and they have pictures of the rest. I think this is probably less than helpful for most people, but particularly for me since I need a hands-on look at the crib I'm going to trust my infant to every night. Then there is my ongoing internal debate about whether or not to use a bassinette and a changing table. I have given serious consideration to buying a dog bed for the floor and using it as a changing table. Really, I have. Don't laugh. It's washable, I'm familiar with dog beds, it's low to the ground-- the benefits far outweigh the cons, the primary one being that well, it's a dog bed.
My writing and writing goals have suffered the most throughout this pregnancy. I haven't neglected my writing dream entirely, but almost. I did get that query letter finished so I can begin submitting my completed manuscript. The next step was to move onto the synopsis. Michael, knowing I need motivation, gave me a deadline of March 24 to complete the dreaded beast. Sweetie, you know I love you, and I hate to disappoint you, but it ain't happening. Sorry, but there is just no way. I have begun working on the second book in my fantasy romance series, but I am convinced it is total crap. That is normal, but usually hits much later than chapter two, so I'm left wondering if it's really crap or just a projection of how I'm feeling lately. If it's really crap, I don't want to waste anymore time on it, but if it's just part of the process, the best thing to do is soldier on and muddle through and hope that the magic catches. And oh yeah, there's working full time and juggling life's other responsibilities. Planning the baby shower, that deserves a post all its own. For now, let's just say that the major planning progress has been convincing my mother not to throw me a Texas Hold 'em poker tournament / baby shower. No, I am not kidding. I could not make this up.
And because I apparently do not have the good sense god gave a goose, I am actually considering launching another blog, this one focused exclusively on parenting, specifically blind parenting because there are shockingly few resources available for blind parents. Not that I consider myself a resource, but I could at least be a starting point, a voice on the internet where other blind parents can know they aren't going it alone. Is this a crazy idea? Probably.
So there it is, my list of excuses. It was somewhat therapeutic for me to get them all down in one place. Here's hoping it's enough to get the train back on the tracks.